I found half of two different bananas in our fruit bowl today. I understand not wanting to eat an entire banana in one sitting, but what sort of monster cuts into a brand-new one when they come back for more later? To find out, I sent pictures of the crime scene to my family but… Continue reading It’s Just Bananas
I got grounded from writing this week. I can’t go into details because my wife who shall remain anonymous said if I posted anything about it on social media we would have to move out of state and I wasn’t sure if her “we” included me or if she just meant her and the kids… Continue reading Gagged
My wife and I decided to spice up our marriage by having all the wood flooring forcibly removed from our home. Sure, we could’ve just booked a themed hotel room for the weekend or taken a romantic dance class together, but this way we’ll get to spend the next several weeks passionately debating new stain… Continue reading New Dance Floor
Two things: The standard sentence for first degree murder in the state of Washington is 20-26 years.My wife and I have been married for 27 years today. This means if she would’ve intentionally killed someone instead of marrying me back in ’92, she’d most likely be a free woman right now. Or at least awaiting… Continue reading Good with Words
I sent my wife out for a professional pedicure this afternoon which makes me sound pretty great until you know the whole story. For those who may have lost track, it’s been 75 days since Tamie tore her hamstring and an equal number of days since she’s been able to touch anything below her left… Continue reading Trying
It’s Saturday morning, 10am. The sun is shining and it’s 70°F outside. Of the million awesome things I could be doing on this beautiful fall day in the Pacific Northwest, I’ve chosen to push a shopping cart around the inside of a grocery store with my wife. Normally, we’d be out riding bikes on some… Continue reading Our Thing
I’m helping to plan a wedding. It’s not for me. I already have a wife. It’s for my son and his fiancé, who is from Boston of all places. I was skeptical about their engagement for a long time because I didn’t believe it was possible to love someone who didn’t fervently hate the Patriots.… Continue reading The Price of Love
I’m going to have to sell our house and move. Not because the holidays left the carpets permanently covered in Christmas tree sap or because the HOA refuses to abolish it’s ridiculous “No Exotic Pets” rule. That would just be crazy. It’s because our bathroom mirrors are haunted. By demons. I’m not talking about the… Continue reading Don’t Look Back (Please)
Bad News: There’s smoke coming out from underneath our car.Good News: The car is no longer on fire. If you’ve never been at the epicenter of an explosion before (this was my second time), I assure you it’s nothing like the movies. There’s no accompanying thematic music, for example, or a slow-motion action sequence, or… Continue reading The Exploding Snot
I’ve historically had bad luck with mountain bike rentals in Arizona. The last two intentionally tried to kill me by lurching into sharp rockery and another one broke down and left me stranded seven miles into a solo desert ride. So this time I rented a "premium" model – a 1x11, full-suspension bike with *working*… Continue reading Dessert in the Desert
Eating My Way to the Top 