July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
June 10, 2021 My dog died today. I took him to the vet yesterday for what I thought was an ongoing sensitive-stomach issue, but turned out to be a ruptured mass in his small intestine. The cancer had already spread to his nearby lymph nodes and liver, and he was septic. They gave him 12-hours.… Continue reading Ivan The Terrible
Like most people, I needed to use the word “circumcise” in a text message earlier this week except I didn’t know how to spell it so I asked the internet and now I’m getting ads for circumcision clamps on all my web pages. Now I'm thinking about starting a side business. I’ve spent my entire… Continue reading Working for Tips
I’m going to start showing up on some sort of Untrained Employee List at work in a few weeks. My company rolled out a new series of required training courses this year to teach people like me how to “build inclusive team behaviors” and “manage team bias” and “empower a team speak-up culture” which essentially… Continue reading Back to the Breakfast Club
Lots of people keep asking how things are going here in Idaho. So. As you may recall, my 78-year-old father fell and shattered his hip five weeks ago. A few days after getting it repaired, he had an undiagnosed ulcer burst which led to another emergency surgery. In the month since then, his heart and… Continue reading Wednesdays are the Worst Days
I’m balding, separated from my wife, and living in the back bedroom of my parents’ house. Sure, two of those things are only temporary setbacks, but this isn’t how I’d imagined life at 51. Still, I know I’m right where I need to be right now. My dad slipped and broke his hip last week,… Continue reading Slipping
I installed one of those fancy doorbell cameras a few months ago to help protect our home from unwanted burglars and guests. Mostly it just captures videos of the stupid neighborhood cat that regularly trespasses onto our porch to infuriate our dog. On Monday, though, it caught my 16-year-old son sneaking out of the house… Continue reading A Better Way
I am not a horse. For most of you, this probably isn’t too surprising. For my 7-year-old sister, however, the news was devastating. In hindsight, my parents should have been more specific as they were rushing out the door towards the hospital back in 1970, because when they promised her they’d bring back something she’d… Continue reading Neigh
My family doesn’t get out much these days. Local COVID-19 restrictions are partly to blame, but mostly it’s because we’ve forgotten how to act in public. Like, did you know it’s not normal to pass out in the middle of a Catholic funeral? It might not be normal to pass out in the middle of… Continue reading Ard Man Succumbs
I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
