I’m balding, separated from my wife, and living in the back bedroom of my parents’ house. Sure, two of those things are only temporary setbacks, but this isn’t how I’d imagined life at 51. Still, I know I’m right where I need to be right now. My dad slipped and broke his hip last week,… Continue reading Slipping
I installed one of those fancy doorbell cameras a few months ago to help protect our home from unwanted burglars and guests. Mostly it just captures videos of the stupid neighborhood cat that regularly trespasses onto our porch to infuriate our dog. On Monday, though, it caught my 16-year-old son sneaking out of the house… Continue reading A Better Way
I am not a horse. For most of you, this probably isn’t too surprising. For my 7-year-old sister, however, the news was devastating. In hindsight, my parents should have been more specific as they were rushing out the door towards the hospital back in 1970, because when they promised her they’d bring back something she’d… Continue reading Neigh
My family doesn’t get out much these days. Local COVID-19 restrictions are partly to blame, but mostly it’s because we’ve forgotten how to act in public. Like, did you know it’s not normal to pass out in the middle of a Catholic funeral? It might not be normal to pass out in the middle of… Continue reading Ard Man Succumbs
I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
[The following story is based on a stormy December night from 2003. No names have been changed, no characters invented, no events fabricated. Mostly.] Dashin’ through the snowIn a one-horse open sleigh The lights are up. The tree is decorated. O’er the fields we goLaughin’ all the way The sound of holiday music fills the… Continue reading Christmas Remix
My wife left me. She’s visiting our grandkids and will come back next week, probably, but things are going to be rough around here until then. To survive, the kids and the dog and I created the following 7-day plan: Day 1: Stock up on toilet paper and hand sanitizer.Day 2: Carefully ration out our… Continue reading On Our Own
My wife let me go to my six-week post-op visit without her today. This meant I got to ask the doctor all sorts of interesting things. For instance, I now know that bones start to calcify and crumble when they reach 1600°F, and that the melting point of stainless steel is 2500°F. This means the… Continue reading Souvenirs
Tamie and I are celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary today. Our success, I think, stems from a mutual desire to continually foster passion in our marriage. Last night, for example, I shaved, washed my face, brushed my teeth, then took off my shirt and snuggled into bed next to her. “Gross,” she said, passionately. Her… Continue reading Twenty Eight
I have some bad news. I crashed while mountain biking with a friend near Mount Rainier on Friday and ended up breaking 6 ribs and my right clavicle. Stay with me because that isn’t the bad part. After conducting a thorough trail-side wellness check (“Dude, has my collar bone always jutted out from my shoulder… Continue reading Costly Mistake
