I’ve been hobbling around the house all week because I hurt my back trying to wrestle a 14-foot, 110lb Burmese Python back into his cage. You probably have questions. Let me assure you, though, that I was being extra careful and was only lifting a few feet of snake at a time. I’m not an… Continue reading Consssequences
For my birthday this year I got Brussels sprouts. That’s not what I wanted, of course. I wanted sushi, but the restaurant Tamie took me to for dinner was closed. She then drove us to the nearest restaurant with “fish” in its name which seemed promising until we looked at the menu and realized they… Continue reading Old and Bitter
Have you ever been to a professional dog show? Me neither, but I recently watched several minutes of one on TV and then went online to find out if my new puppy, Rupert, would qualify for such an event. SPOILER ALERT: He would not. According to the American Kennel Club’s official 166-page Regulations and Guidelines… Continue reading In Training
The automatic soap dispenser built into our dishwasher stopped working. Instead of selling our house and moving, I just watched a short how-to video online and fixed it myself. Saved us a ton of money. Was my wife impressed? No, but that’s because she hates having to wash blood out of my clothing. It’s not… Continue reading The Cost of Saving
When our 10-year-old dog died unexpectedly last June, Tamie and I decided we weren’t going to get another one. Raising a puppy is exhausting and saying the final goodbye is too painful. Besides, now that we had grandkids, we needed the flexibility to travel literally anywhere in the world to see them at a moment’s… Continue reading Getting Found
Thirty-five minutes. That’s how long it took me to bury my dad’s remains after his funeral earlier this month. I don’t know if that’s fast or slow because I haven’t buried a lot of bodies. At least ones that are substantially larger than, say, a hamster. It’s not that I was in a hurry. In… Continue reading December Dirt
My insurance provider is sending me a free in-home test kit to screen for colorectal cancer. I’m not sure where they got the idea that I’m good at do-it-yourself projects. It took me two tries, four unnecessary holes, and a lot of bad words to install a “No Tools Required” safety gate at the top… Continue reading Wish Me Luck
How’s my dad doing? Admirably, badly, decently. Poorly. Sometimes satisfactorily. And sometimes not. The answer depends on exactly when you ask and where I am, alphabetically, on my list of valid responses. I’ve been cycling through this same set of words for the past six months. He was doing admirably after shattering his hip, then… Continue reading My Words
NASA is now using my team's software to analyze astronaut genomes WHILE THEY ARE STILL ONBOARD the ISS. This will undoubtedly prevent them from carrying back any parasitoidal alien DNA. You’re welcome, Earth. I guess this means I owe my 11th grade biology teacher an apology. I thought those frog anatomy worksheets he regularly assigned… Continue reading This Is Why Coloring Is Important
July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
Eating My Way to the Top 