NASA is now using my team's software to analyze astronaut genomes WHILE THEY ARE STILL ONBOARD the ISS. This will undoubtedly prevent them from carrying back any parasitoidal alien DNA. You’re welcome, Earth. I guess this means I owe my 11th grade biology teacher an apology. I thought those frog anatomy worksheets he regularly assigned… Continue reading This Is Why Coloring Is Important
July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
Like most people, I needed to use the word “circumcise” in a text message earlier this week except I didn’t know how to spell it so I asked the internet and now I’m getting ads for circumcision clamps on all my web pages. Now I'm thinking about starting a side business. I’ve spent my entire… Continue reading Working for Tips
I’m going to start showing up on some sort of Untrained Employee List at work in a few weeks. My company rolled out a new series of required training courses this year to teach people like me how to “build inclusive team behaviors” and “manage team bias” and “empower a team speak-up culture” which essentially… Continue reading Back to the Breakfast Club
Lots of people keep asking how things are going here in Idaho. So. As you may recall, my 78-year-old father fell and shattered his hip five weeks ago. A few days after getting it repaired, he had an undiagnosed ulcer burst which led to another emergency surgery. In the month since then, his heart and… Continue reading Wednesdays are the Worst Days
I’m balding, separated from my wife, and living in the back bedroom of my parents’ house. Sure, two of those things are only temporary setbacks, but this isn’t how I’d imagined life at 51. Still, I know I’m right where I need to be right now. My dad slipped and broke his hip last week,… Continue reading Slipping
I installed one of those fancy doorbell cameras a few months ago to help protect our home from unwanted burglars and guests. Mostly it just captures videos of the stupid neighborhood cat that regularly trespasses onto our porch to infuriate our dog. On Monday, though, it caught my 16-year-old son sneaking out of the house… Continue reading A Better Way
My family doesn’t get out much these days. Local COVID-19 restrictions are partly to blame, but mostly it’s because we’ve forgotten how to act in public. Like, did you know it’s not normal to pass out in the middle of a Catholic funeral? It might not be normal to pass out in the middle of… Continue reading Ard Man Succumbs
I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
[The following story is based on a stormy December night from 2003. No names have been changed, no characters invented, no events fabricated. Mostly.] Dashin’ through the snowIn a one-horse open sleigh The lights are up. The tree is decorated. O’er the fields we goLaughin’ all the way The sound of holiday music fills the… Continue reading Christmas Remix
