I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
[The following story is based on a stormy December night from 2003. No names have been changed, no characters invented, no events fabricated. Mostly.] Dashin’ through the snowIn a one-horse open sleigh The lights are up. The tree is decorated. O’er the fields we goLaughin’ all the way The sound of holiday music fills the… Continue reading Christmas Remix
My wife left me. She’s visiting our grandkids and will come back next week, probably, but things are going to be rough around here until then. To survive, the kids and the dog and I created the following 7-day plan: Day 1: Stock up on toilet paper and hand sanitizer.Day 2: Carefully ration out our… Continue reading On Our Own
My wife let me go to my six-week post-op visit without her today. This meant I got to ask the doctor all sorts of interesting things. For instance, I now know that bones start to calcify and crumble when they reach 1600°F, and that the melting point of stainless steel is 2500°F. This means the… Continue reading Souvenirs
Tamie and I are celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary today. Our success, I think, stems from a mutual desire to continually foster passion in our marriage. Last night, for example, I shaved, washed my face, brushed my teeth, then took off my shirt and snuggled into bed next to her. “Gross,” she said, passionately. Her… Continue reading Twenty Eight
I have some bad news. I crashed while mountain biking with a friend near Mount Rainier on Friday and ended up breaking 6 ribs and my right clavicle. Stay with me because that isn’t the bad part. After conducting a thorough trail-side wellness check (“Dude, has my collar bone always jutted out from my shoulder… Continue reading Costly Mistake
What do you want to be when you grow up? This question has haunted me for decades. It all started in kindergarten when I blurted out “Fireman!” like all the other kids even though I sincerely doubted my ability to succeed at anything that would require me to wear suspenders and/or go outside after dark.… Continue reading When I Grow Up
My dog goes to the door whenever he needs to use the bathroom. Since I don’t want to risk an accident, I always drop whatever I’m doing and let him out as soon as he starts barking. I usually don’t mind, though, because it gives me an excuse to break away from my computer and… Continue reading Who’s a Good Boy?
I got some bad news this week. My mom called from Idaho late Wednesday night to tell me that my 77-year-old father, who has been living with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) for the past several years, was tired of all the unnecessary suffering and had given up the fight. She was elated. "I can’t… Continue reading There Goes My Early Retirement
Little kids are gross. I know this because my wife and I once had four of them living inside our house AT THE SAME TIME. Stockpiling hand sanitizers helped, of course, but I remember constantly worrying that one of the kids would eventually consume too much toilet paper and die. By “consume” I mean “eat.”… Continue reading Pandemically Challenged
