I found half of two different bananas in our fruit bowl today. I understand not wanting to eat an entire banana in one sitting, but what sort of monster cuts into a brand-new one when they come back for more later? To find out, I sent pictures of the crime scene to my family but… Continue reading It's Just Bananas
The flight attendant smiles and waves me forward. “Welcome aboard!” he says. I feel my stomach turn over. The thought of flying doesn’t usually faze me, but after spending the past few days in Disneyland, my body is now systematically programmed to prepare for the impending set of twists, jolts, spins, and drops that generally… Continue reading Buckle Up
I became a grandpa, of sorts, this week. My 18-year-old daughter brought a baby home from school on Monday. Don’t worry, it wasn’t alive. Or hers. Or even real. Sorry, I probably should have led with that last part. This grandparenting thing is a lot harder than I thought. Let me start over. My 18-year-old… Continue reading Handle with Care
One of my coworkers suggested I wear compression socks to a conference on human genomics I went to earlier this month. He said they’d help mitigate the pain of standing at our booth all day which was a lie because they only prevented blood from pooling into my lower legs but did nothing to stop… Continue reading Bad Fit
I got grounded from writing this week. I can’t go into details because my wife who shall remain anonymous said if I posted anything about it on social media we would have to move out of state and I wasn’t sure if her “we” included me or if she just meant her and the kids… Continue reading Gagged
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) In case it isn’t legible, the letter in the photo essentially outlines the consequences of bringing a fake bomb to school in 1986. Before you get all judgy and start pontificating about the imprudence of doing something like this nowadays, let me… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 4
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) I’m not sure if my dog was delighted or horrified when he found out I'd kept this dead frog. On the one hand, he loves exotic foods; on the other hand, he was afraid I’d murdered it myself. I didn’t. My dad… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 3
