My wife and I were married 30 years ago today. To show her how much I still love her, I got up at 3:30am to clean dog vomit off our bedroom floor so she could stay snuggled in bed. I know pearl is the traditional gift for this major milestone, but she strongly hinted she… Continue reading Keeping it Fresh
The funeral home that helped plan and conduct my dad's service 8 months ago sent a birthday card TO MY DAD. (Dear Max,) "May the year ahead be filled with new opportunities . . ." Then it somehow got worse because they signed it with "Warmest thoughts" which seems totally inappropriate considering they cremated him.… Continue reading Warmest Thoughts
I helped put a new roof on our house this month. Specifically, I got to choose which shade of gray tiles to use and then pay for them to be professionally installed. This wasn’t nearly as fun as it sounds. Honestly, I didn’t know roofs wore out. I guess I’m still spoiled from the glory… Continue reading Our Bear Roof
I’ve been hobbling around the house all week because I hurt my back trying to wrestle a 14-foot, 110lb Burmese Python back into his cage. You probably have questions. Let me assure you, though, that I was being extra careful and was only lifting a few feet of snake at a time. I’m not an… Continue reading Consssequences
For my birthday this year I got Brussels sprouts. That’s not what I wanted, of course. I wanted sushi, but the restaurant Tamie took me to for dinner was closed. She then drove us to the nearest restaurant with “fish” in its name which seemed promising until we looked at the menu and realized they… Continue reading Old and Bitter
Have you ever been to a professional dog show? Me neither, but I recently watched several minutes of one on TV and then went online to find out if my new puppy, Rupert, would qualify for such an event. SPOILER ALERT: He would not. According to the American Kennel Club’s official 166-page Regulations and Guidelines… Continue reading In Training
The automatic soap dispenser built into our dishwasher stopped working. Instead of selling our house and moving, I just watched a short how-to video online and fixed it myself. Saved us a ton of money. Was my wife impressed? No, but that’s because she hates having to wash blood out of my clothing. It’s not… Continue reading The Cost of Saving
When our 10-year-old dog died unexpectedly last June, Tamie and I decided we weren’t going to get another one. Raising a puppy is exhausting and saying the final goodbye is too painful. Besides, now that we had grandkids, we needed the flexibility to travel literally anywhere in the world to see them at a moment’s… Continue reading Getting Found
My insurance provider is sending me a free in-home test kit to screen for colorectal cancer. I’m not sure where they got the idea that I’m good at do-it-yourself projects. It took me two tries, four unnecessary holes, and a lot of bad words to install a “No Tools Required” safety gate at the top… Continue reading Wish Me Luck
NASA is now using my team's software to analyze astronaut genomes WHILE THEY ARE STILL ONBOARD the ISS. This will undoubtedly prevent them from carrying back any parasitoidal alien DNA. You’re welcome, Earth. I guess this means I owe my 11th grade biology teacher an apology. I thought those frog anatomy worksheets he regularly assigned… Continue reading This Is Why Coloring Is Important
Eating My Way to the Top 