I was mountain biking last Friday and feeling pretty good about my efforts when my smartwatch started freaking out and barraging me with alerts because it’d detected some sort of regional incident. Since I was currently descending a section of trail ill-suited for stopping, I had to finish getting to the bottom before I could… Continue reading Incident Detected
My wife and I have always tried to spend at least one evening every week enjoying fun family activities with our children. Last Monday, for example, we took our youngest son to a full-service tattoo and piercing studio. Afterwards, we stopped for some dessert and a bottle of saline solution then drove home and watched… Continue reading Quality Family Time
The automatic soap dispenser built into our dishwasher stopped working. Instead of selling our house and moving, I just watched a short how-to video online and fixed it myself. Saved us a ton of money. Was my wife impressed? No, but that’s because she hates having to wash blood out of my clothing. It’s not… Continue reading The Cost of Saving
Thirty-five minutes. That’s how long it took me to bury my dad’s remains after his funeral earlier this month. I don’t know if that’s fast or slow because I haven’t buried a lot of bodies. At least ones that are substantially larger than, say, a hamster. It’s not that I was in a hurry. In… Continue reading December Dirt
My insurance provider is sending me a free in-home test kit to screen for colorectal cancer. I’m not sure where they got the idea that I’m good at do-it-yourself projects. It took me two tries, four unnecessary holes, and a lot of bad words to install a “No Tools Required” safety gate at the top… Continue reading Wish Me Luck
July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
My dog goes to the door whenever he needs to use the bathroom. Since I don’t want to risk an accident, I always drop whatever I’m doing and let him out as soon as he starts barking. I usually don’t mind, though, because it gives me an excuse to break away from my computer and… Continue reading Who’s a Good Boy?
This is the worst picture I have of myself – I’m pale, 40-pounds overweight, and wearing a hat that somehow looks even more awful than the balding head it’s dolefully covering. The shot was taken in the summer of 2003, which means I’ve had 16+ years to delete it from my archives. So why haven’t… Continue reading Picture Imperfect
My parents are in the process of decluttering their lives and have been busily sifting through the roomfuls of stuff they’ve accumulated through the years. For the past few weeks, then, my dad has been calling and asking about various items before moving them into the appropriate keep/trash/donate piles. Our conversations have typically gone like… Continue reading Flash from the Past
Eating My Way to the Top 