My insurance provider is sending me a free in-home test kit to screen for colorectal cancer. I’m not sure where they got the idea that I’m good at do-it-yourself projects. It took me two tries, four unnecessary holes, and a lot of bad words to install a “No Tools Required” safety gate at the top… Continue reading Wish Me Luck
July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
My dog goes to the door whenever he needs to use the bathroom. Since I don’t want to risk an accident, I always drop whatever I’m doing and let him out as soon as he starts barking. I usually don’t mind, though, because it gives me an excuse to break away from my computer and… Continue reading Who’s a Good Boy?
This is the worst picture I have of myself – I’m pale, 40-pounds overweight, and wearing a hat that somehow looks even more awful than the balding head it’s dolefully covering. The shot was taken in the summer of 2003, which means I’ve had 16+ years to delete it from my archives. So why haven’t… Continue reading Picture Imperfect
My parents are in the process of decluttering their lives and have been busily sifting through the roomfuls of stuff they’ve accumulated through the years. For the past few weeks, then, my dad has been calling and asking about various items before moving them into the appropriate keep/trash/donate piles. Our conversations have typically gone like… Continue reading Flash from the Past
I’m not very good at a lot of things. Normally this isn’t a problem, but back in 2007 I was asked to join a group of friends who were planning to summit Washington State’s Mount Rainier. Most of them, like me, hadn’t ever climbed a big mountain before, let alone a 14,411-foot glaciated stratovolcano that… Continue reading Eating My Way to the Top
My youngest son and I tried wake surfing for the first time last week. Despite all the helpful advice I kept shouting at him from the boat like “Try sinking less quickly!” and “You probably need more sunscreen!”, he just couldn’t get up. But the more he failed, the more impressed I became with his… Continue reading Trying, Still
This is a picture of Sentry 2018, or “S18” for short. She’s a spirited young araneus cavaticus that guards my back fence. We just met today. She inherited this position from her mother, S17, who used to welcome me into her home every time I mowed the lawn last summer. Sweet lady. I can sometimes… Continue reading Will Work for Food
There’s a small scar above my left eye, a keepsake from the time my sister and I tried to dig our way to China. I don’t remember the exact thought process that led to this bold venture, but since I was 5 and she was 13, I’m sure our reasoning was perfectly sound. I’m also… Continue reading Whole
