This is the worst picture I have of myself – I’m pale, 40-pounds overweight, and wearing a hat that somehow looks even more awful than the balding head it’s dolefully covering. The shot was taken in the summer of 2003, which means I’ve had 16+ years to delete it from my archives. So why haven’t… Continue reading Picture Imperfect
My wife and I have been trying to make healthier eating choices this year with hope of becoming better role models for our kids. It’s been awful. Then, to make it worse, my parents just texted us a picture of their dinner – a package of “The Most Stuf” Oreos and two fruit yogurts. How… Continue reading Role Models
Let's pretend someone you love very much accidentally left his/her purse in the car which is parked in the driveway because the garage is full of more essential items like bicycles. Question: After they retrieve it and come back in from the freezing rain, do you A) Say nothing and pretend like it wasn’t really… Continue reading Marriage Test
I found half of two different bananas in our fruit bowl today. I understand not wanting to eat an entire banana in one sitting, but what sort of monster cuts into a brand-new one when they come back for more later? To find out, I sent pictures of the crime scene to my family but… Continue reading It’s Just Bananas
The flight attendant smiles and waves me forward. “Welcome aboard!” he says. I feel my stomach turn over. The thought of flying doesn’t usually faze me, but after spending the past few days in Disneyland, my body is now systematically programmed to prepare for the impending set of twists, jolts, spins, and drops that generally… Continue reading Buckle Up
I became a grandpa, of sorts, this week. My 18-year-old daughter brought a baby home from school on Monday. Don’t worry, it wasn’t alive. Or hers. Or even real. Sorry, I probably should have led with that last part. This grandparenting thing is a lot harder than I thought. Let me start over. My 18-year-old… Continue reading Handle with Care
One of my coworkers suggested I wear compression socks to a conference on human genomics I went to earlier this month. He said they’d help mitigate the pain of standing at our booth all day which was a lie because they only prevented blood from pooling into my lower legs but did nothing to stop… Continue reading Bad Fit
I got grounded from writing this week. I can’t go into details because my wife who shall remain anonymous said if I posted anything about it on social media we would have to move out of state and I wasn’t sure if her “we” included me or if she just meant her and the kids… Continue reading Gagged
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) In case it isn’t legible, the letter in the photo essentially outlines the consequences of bringing a fake bomb to school in 1986. Before you get all judgy and start pontificating about the imprudence of doing something like this nowadays, let me… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 4
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) I’m not sure if my dog was delighted or horrified when he found out I'd kept this dead frog. On the one hand, he loves exotic foods; on the other hand, he was afraid I’d murdered it myself. I didn’t. My dad… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 3
