The funeral home that helped plan and conduct my dad's service 8 months ago sent a birthday card TO MY DAD. (Dear Max,) "May the year ahead be filled with new opportunities . . ." Then it somehow got worse because they signed it with "Warmest thoughts" which seems totally inappropriate considering they cremated him.… Continue reading Warmest Thoughts
Thirty-five minutes. That’s how long it took me to bury my dad’s remains after his funeral earlier this month. I don’t know if that’s fast or slow because I haven’t buried a lot of bodies. At least ones that are substantially larger than, say, a hamster. It’s not that I was in a hurry. In… Continue reading December Dirt
July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
June 10, 2021 My dog died today. I took him to the vet yesterday for what I thought was an ongoing sensitive-stomach issue, but turned out to be a ruptured mass in his small intestine. The cancer had already spread to his nearby lymph nodes and liver, and he was septic. They gave him 12-hours.… Continue reading Ivan The Terrible
I am not a horse. For most of you, this probably isn’t too surprising. For my 7-year-old sister, however, the news was devastating. In hindsight, my parents should have been more specific as they were rushing out the door towards the hospital back in 1970, because when they promised her they’d bring back something she’d… Continue reading Neigh
My family doesn’t get out much these days. Local COVID-19 restrictions are partly to blame, but mostly it’s because we’ve forgotten how to act in public. Like, did you know it’s not normal to pass out in the middle of a Catholic funeral? It might not be normal to pass out in the middle of… Continue reading Ard Man Succumbs
My wife let me go to my six-week post-op visit without her today. This meant I got to ask the doctor all sorts of interesting things. For instance, I now know that bones start to calcify and crumble when they reach 1600°F, and that the melting point of stainless steel is 2500°F. This means the… Continue reading Souvenirs
This is the worst picture I have of myself – I’m pale, 40-pounds overweight, and wearing a hat that somehow looks even more awful than the balding head it’s dolefully covering. The shot was taken in the summer of 2003, which means I’ve had 16+ years to delete it from my archives. So why haven’t… Continue reading Picture Imperfect
There’s a small scar above my left eye, a keepsake from the time my sister and I tried to dig our way to China. I don’t remember the exact thought process that led to this bold venture, but since I was 5 and she was 13, I’m sure our reasoning was perfectly sound. I’m also… Continue reading Whole
I lost my sister to cancer 12 years ago today. Actually, that’s not right. I didn’t “lose” her. That makes it sound like I simply misplaced something irrelevant. That if I’d been more careful or could somehow retrace my steps, I could find and bring her back to her children. To her grandchildren. To her… Continue reading The Things I Kept
Eating My Way to the Top 