My wife and I decided to spice up our marriage by having all the wood flooring forcibly removed from our home. Sure, we could’ve just booked a themed hotel room for the weekend or taken a romantic dance class together, but this way we’ll get to spend the next several weeks passionately debating new stain… Continue reading New Dance Floor
Two things: The standard sentence for first degree murder in the state of Washington is 20-26 years.My wife and I have been married for 27 years today. This means if she would’ve intentionally killed someone instead of marrying me back in ’92, she’d most likely be a free woman right now. Or at least awaiting… Continue reading Good with Words
I sent my wife out for a professional pedicure this afternoon which makes me sound pretty great until you know the whole story. For those who may have lost track, it’s been 75 days since Tamie tore her hamstring and an equal number of days since she’s been able to touch anything below her left… Continue reading Trying
It’s Saturday morning, 10am. The sun is shining and it’s 70°F outside. Of the million awesome things I could be doing on this beautiful fall day in the Pacific Northwest, I’ve chosen to push a shopping cart around the inside of a grocery store with my wife. Normally, we’d be out riding bikes on some… Continue reading Our Thing
I’m helping to plan a wedding. It’s not for me. I already have a wife. It’s for my son and his fiancé, who is from Boston of all places. I was skeptical about their engagement for a long time because I didn’t believe it was possible to love someone who didn’t fervently hate the Patriots.… Continue reading The Price of Love
I’m going to have to sell our house and move. Not because the holidays left the carpets permanently covered in Christmas tree sap or because the HOA refuses to abolish it’s ridiculous “No Exotic Pets” rule. That would just be crazy. It’s because our bathroom mirrors are haunted. By demons. I’m not talking about the… Continue reading Don’t Look Back (Please)
Bad News: There’s smoke coming out from underneath our car.Good News: The car is no longer on fire. If you’ve never been at the epicenter of an explosion before (this was my second time), I assure you it’s nothing like the movies. There’s no accompanying thematic music, for example, or a slow-motion action sequence, or… Continue reading The Exploding Snot
I’ve historically had bad luck with mountain bike rentals in Arizona. The last two intentionally tried to kill me by lurching into sharp rockery and another one broke down and left me stranded seven miles into a solo desert ride. So this time I rented a "premium" model – a 1x11, full-suspension bike with *working*… Continue reading Dessert in the Desert
My wife jabbed me in ribs this morning at 3am and asked if I was awake. I was. Then she asked if I could hear that sound. I could. It was hard to miss. Our 55lb dog was raucously trudging through our house looking for a suitable place to vomit. Then, he found it. We… Continue reading Wake-Up Call
[I wrote this in 1997, so it's too late to send any congratulatory cigars. I'm still accepting cash, though.] My wife and I recently discovered we hadn’t gained much ground in our pursuit of vast riches and fame. In the meantime, though, we'd created a wonderful marriage together and our growing love for one another… Continue reading Not What I Expected
