Pandemically Challenged

Little kids are gross. I know this because my wife and I once had four of them living inside our house AT THE SAME TIME. Stockpiling hand sanitizers helped, of course, but I remember constantly worrying that one of the kids would eventually consume too much toilet paper and die. By “consume” I mean “eat.”… Continue reading Pandemically Challenged

The Great Decluttering: Part 4

(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) In case it isn’t legible, the letter in the photo essentially outlines the consequences of bringing a fake bomb to school in 1986. Before you get all judgy and start pontificating about the imprudence of doing something like this nowadays, let me… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 4

The Great Decluttering: Part 1

The dog and I drove to Southeastern Idaho this summer to help my parents filter through a few odds and ends they’ve collected through the years. By “a few odds and ends” I mean a semitrailer’s worth. I’m not kidding. My dad bought the back half of an 18-wheeler back in early 80s because I… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 1

They’ll Thank Me Later

I surprised my family with coupons for flu shots last weekend. They were not delighted. I guess I don’t really blame them, especially with all the controversies surrounding vaccinations these days. Are the shots even necessary? Or effective? Or safe? Everything is debatable now, it seems. Back when I was young, things were much simpler:… Continue reading They’ll Thank Me Later

The Future of My Dreams

My employer deployed an autonomous robotic mower to the front lawn of my building this week. It’s like a Roomba vacuum cleaner, but with considerably worse collision consequences for sleeping cats. I think it’s awesome, though not just for that reason. If you know me at all, then you know I despise mowing more than… Continue reading The Future of My Dreams

Don’t Look Back (Please)

I’m going to have to sell our house and move. Not because the holidays left the carpets permanently covered in Christmas tree sap or because the HOA refuses to abolish it’s ridiculous “No Exotic Pets” rule. That would just be crazy. It’s because our bathroom mirrors are haunted. By demons. I’m not talking about the… Continue reading Don’t Look Back (Please)