I took my dog in for his annual exam today and the vet said Rupert had reached his "pet weight" which is one of those phrases that sounds kind of like a compliment but is actually a backhanded way of saying he's gotten too fat to survive on his own in the wild. This is… Continue reading Pet Weight
Tamie and I helped chaperone a youth church dance on New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry, our kids are all grown up and living in different states so we didn’t embarrass them to death by being old in public. Since we hadn't been preassigned a specific task, we showed up an hour early in case the… Continue reading 2025 Is for Professionals Only
What do a stack of cafeteria trays, a wooden waterbed frame from the '80s, and a cannon ball all have in common? My dad. I recently spent five days emptying his garage and two storage sheds so we could get the house ready to sell. It was crazy. He had an entire bucket full of… Continue reading Why, Dad?
I’m defective. For the last 18 months or so, my left ear has felt clogged. But instead of just muffled sounds, I started hearing a high-pitched buzz. ALL. OF. THE. DAMN. TIME. It’s now become almost impossible to understand conversations in public places, especially if there is any sort of background noise (I’m looking at… Continue reading WHAT
Tamie took my place in Idaho a few weeks ago so she could continue to help my mom recover from knee replacement surgery. I love my wife dearly, but really wish she’d learn to be more responsible. She should know, after nearly 32 years of marriage, to not leave me unsupervised in Seattle. Last time… Continue reading Misdirection
My youngest son is finishing his first year of college this week which means I’m going to be very busy editing a final paper on a book that neither of us read. I’m really looking forward to it. After all, it’s nice having an excuse to spend quality time debating grammar rules and discussing current… Continue reading Will Edit for Free
I once snuck a large Burmese python onto a flight from Arizona to Idaho. Then back again. If you think this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done with Hank, the snake I bought as a pet back in college, you’d be wrong. Before 9/11, airport security was primarily based on the honor system, so… Continue reading The Hardest Part
I found a fancy bar of soap in our spare bathroom last week. It's supposedly made from “Alaskan Glacier Mineral Clay” which is a very expensive way to spell “mud.” Like $8-per-bar expensive. I'm not rich enough to afford anything that luxurious, of course. My son left it behind when he moved away to college… Continue reading This Is Not an Ad
My youngest son graduated from high school last month. This means my wife and I get to retire with a perfect 4-0 record against our children, each of whom would’ve preferred to drop out and become a rich teenage TikToker. I don’t blame them. School is harder than ever nowadays. Nobody understands how New Math… Continue reading Generation.next()
I turned 53 last month. So far things have gone pretty well except for the time my eyeballs dried out and stopped working normally. I spent that entire day dousing myself with saline solution and wondering how blindness would affect my mountain biking skills only to later discover I’d been wearing an extra pair of… Continue reading This is 53
