The flight attendant smiles and waves me forward. “Welcome aboard!” he says. I feel my stomach turn over. The thought of flying doesn’t usually faze me, but after spending the past few days in Disneyland, my body is now systematically programmed to prepare for the impending set of twists, jolts, spins, and drops that generally… Continue reading Buckle Up
I became a grandpa, of sorts, this week. My 18-year-old daughter brought a baby home from school on Monday. Don’t worry, it wasn’t alive. Or hers. Or even real. Sorry, I probably should have led with that last part. This grandparenting thing is a lot harder than I thought. Let me start over. My 18-year-old… Continue reading Handle with Care
One of my coworkers suggested I wear compression socks to a conference on human genomics I went to earlier this month. He said they’d help mitigate the pain of standing at our booth all day which was a lie because they only prevented blood from pooling into my lower legs but did nothing to stop… Continue reading Bad Fit
I got grounded from writing this week. I can’t go into details because my wife who shall remain anonymous said if I posted anything about it on social media we would have to move out of state and I wasn’t sure if her “we” included me or if she just meant her and the kids… Continue reading Gagged
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) In case it isn’t legible, the letter in the photo essentially outlines the consequences of bringing a fake bomb to school in 1986. Before you get all judgy and start pontificating about the imprudence of doing something like this nowadays, let me… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 4
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) I’m not sure if my dog was delighted or horrified when he found out I'd kept this dead frog. On the one hand, he loves exotic foods; on the other hand, he was afraid I’d murdered it myself. I didn’t. My dad… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 3
(If you're new here, you may want to start with The Great Decluttering.) Found my high school letterman jacket and the remnants from my first haircut in 1971. Both still fit. In case I didn't get a chance to tell you personally because I was crying and/or at the office during my birthday party, thank… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 2
The dog and I drove to Southeastern Idaho this summer to help my parents filter through a few odds and ends they’ve collected through the years. By “a few odds and ends” I mean a semitrailer’s worth. I’m not kidding. My dad bought the back half of an 18-wheeler back in early 80s because I… Continue reading The Great Decluttering: Part 1
A stray cat wandered into our backyard yesterday. Our dog, who is always eager to help the less fortunate, made multiple attempts to peacefully redirect it elsewhere. At least that’s how I like to think everything started. Regrettably, by the time I made it outside to see what all the commotion was about, diplomatic negotiations… Continue reading Cat Snacks
My wife and I decided to spice up our marriage by having all the wood flooring forcibly removed from our home. Sure, we could’ve just booked a themed hotel room for the weekend or taken a romantic dance class together, but this way we’ll get to spend the next several weeks passionately debating new stain… Continue reading New Dance Floor
