Our mixer is on the kitchen counter and ready for duty today. My wife is a blur behind it, pulling out measuring cups, baking pans, and containers of sugar, flour, and eggs. In front, our old cookbook is opened and turned to the desserts section. The page she’s referencing is semitranslucent from absorbing splattered drops… Continue reading Gingersnaps and Dog Hair
I found a fancy bar of soap in our spare bathroom last week. It's supposedly made from “Alaskan Glacier Mineral Clay” which is a very expensive way to spell “mud.” Like $8-per-bar expensive. I'm not rich enough to afford anything that luxurious, of course. My son left it behind when he moved away to college… Continue reading This Is Not an Ad
My youngest son graduated from high school last month. This means my wife and I get to retire with a perfect 4-0 record against our children, each of whom would’ve preferred to drop out and become a rich teenage TikToker. I don’t blame them. School is harder than ever nowadays. Nobody understands how New Math… Continue reading Generation.next()
I was mountain biking last Friday and feeling pretty good about my efforts when my smartwatch started freaking out and barraging me with alerts because it’d detected some sort of regional incident. Since I was currently descending a section of trail ill-suited for stopping, I had to finish getting to the bottom before I could… Continue reading Incident Detected
My wife and I have always tried to spend at least one evening every week enjoying fun family activities with our children. Last Monday, for example, we took our youngest son to a full-service tattoo and piercing studio. Afterwards, we stopped for some dessert and a bottle of saline solution then drove home and watched… Continue reading Quality Family Time
The automatic soap dispenser built into our dishwasher stopped working. Instead of selling our house and moving, I just watched a short how-to video online and fixed it myself. Saved us a ton of money. Was my wife impressed? No, but that’s because she hates having to wash blood out of my clothing. It’s not… Continue reading The Cost of Saving
Thirty-five minutes. That’s how long it took me to bury my dad’s remains after his funeral earlier this month. I don’t know if that’s fast or slow because I haven’t buried a lot of bodies. At least ones that are substantially larger than, say, a hamster. It’s not that I was in a hurry. In… Continue reading December Dirt
My insurance provider is sending me a free in-home test kit to screen for colorectal cancer. I’m not sure where they got the idea that I’m good at do-it-yourself projects. It took me two tries, four unnecessary holes, and a lot of bad words to install a “No Tools Required” safety gate at the top… Continue reading Wish Me Luck
July 10, 2021 My dog would’ve made a terrible pirate. Ivan’s swordsmanship was mediocre, at best, and he certainly couldn’t be trusted to carry around a live parrot. He was notoriously bad, though, at burying treasure. Whenever he’d acquire something particularly valuable, like a marrow bone, he’d rush off to bury it beneath the pear… Continue reading Swashbuckled
I feel bad for Donald Trump. Hear me out. According to Wikipedia, the poor guy spent his adolescence attending exclusive college prep schools. This means he missed out on the many benefits offered through the public school system, like seventh-grade P.E., which is where most American children are taught to feel bad about themselves. Without… Continue reading Losing Stings
