A TSA Pat-Down and Other Things You Can Experience for Free in Boston

May 17, 2018 — 10:03 PM
I’m in Boston this week for work. Lovely city. My favorite part so far has been losing my credit cards and driver’s license. I’m not worried, though, because I just called TSA and together we came up with a plan to get me through airport security and back home to Seattle tomorrow night. It goes like this: I will bring two other forms of identification to the airport (they helpfully suggested a credit card and a recent water bill) and then prepare for a full-body pat-down and an exhaustive luggage search. Or, alternatively, I could work at Dunkin’ Donuts* until I’ve saved enough money to Uber my way back to Seattle. I’m going to sleep on it.

*In case you’ve never been to Boston, a “Dunkin’ Donuts” is like Starbucks, except they fine you 15 shillings** every time you use the word “venti” to describe how much coffee you’d like to drink.

**15 shillings = 0.000026 bitcoins

May 18, 2018 — 7:18 AM
Armed with only my cellphone and a Starbucks’ gift card, I’ve decided to spend my pre-TSA pat-down hours touring downtown Boston. I feel like a condemned prisoner enjoying his last meal, except instead of a tasty steak I’ll be getting a history lesson.

May 18, 2018 — 10:27 AM
Massachusetts State House. This beautiful building was built in 1798 to serve as the starting point for all future grade school field trips.

May 18, 2018 — 11:06 AM
Park Street Church and Granary Burying Ground. Over 2000 gravestones and tombs crammed into a very uncomfortable space. I imagine spending eternity here isn’t that different from flying coach on modern airlines.

May 18, 2018 — 11:27 AM
A Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, King’s Chapel, and another burying ground. Eat, Pray, Die?

May 18, 2018 — 12:00 PM
The first American public school was established here in 1635 and was open to everyone as long as they were male and white.

May 18, 2018 — 12:12 PM
A Boston pigeon. Like a Seattle pigeon in that they both spend their days consuming frybread and large amounts of legalized marijuana.

May 18, 2018 — 12:18 PM
Old State House. One of the oldest public buildings in the United States and the location of the Boston Massacre and this beef hotdog stand.

May 18, 2018 — 12:42 PM
Quincy Market. Full of delicious smelling food shops, none of which accept a Starbucks’ card for payment.

May 18, 2018 — 12:46 PM
Durty Nelly’s. This establishment was not listed in my travel brochure. They also did not accept Starbucks’ cards.

May 18, 2018 — 1:14 PM
The steeple of the Old North Church. This is where Paul Revere ordered two “if by sea” lanterns hung before his famous midnight ride in 1775. It’s amazing to think Americans were once fit enough to climb that many stairs.

May 18, 2018 — 2:09 PM
Bunker Hill Monument. Commemorates one of the first major battles between the British and Patriot forces in the American Revolutionary War. There are 294 steps to the top. Supposedly.

May 18, 2018 — 2:27 PM
The USS Constitution is the world’s oldest commissioned naval vessel that’s still afloat. When it was launched in 1797, ticketed passengers had to face scurvy and/or death by cannonballs. Still seems like a better alternative than a TSA pat-down.

May 18, 2018 — 4:16 PM
Three hours early for my flight. Ok, Boston, let’s do this!

May 18, 2018 — 4:30 PM
I was immediately turned around by a lady who pre-sorts passengers into the longest possible security screening lines. She did not find me funny.

May 18, 2018—4:50 PM
Made it to the primary screening area where I got to explain my situation (again) and then be interrogated with questions like, “Where did you lose your ID?” He did not find me funny.

Now I’m waiting in a new line all by myself.

May 18, 2018 — 5:10 PM
I have been assigned a personal security screener and he just put on a brand new pair of blue surgical gloves. So that’s nice.

May 18, 2018 — 5:25 PM
I did not find him funny.

May 18, 2018 — 5:40 PM
TSA irrefutably determined that all of my personal bits are non-threatening or even particularly noteworthy.

I’m coming home, Seattle!

Brought to you by a cup of “hearty” oatmeal and only 475mg of caffeine

Originally posted on Medium.

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